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Today a co-worker came in and said,

"Well...they've found people to replace us."

My stomach turned and I felt my heart-rate begin to quicken.

Replace.

Is this the word I am getting stuck on?

Replace.

I am no longer needed. They've found someone else...someone better?

Why is this what my brain offers me? I knew it would happen. Of course it would happen. Then why am I not ready?

Because I don't know where I'm going...or...because I don't know who I am?

Maybe both.

There is no going back now. Your space has been filled.

But I hadn't wanted to go back. Why the reaction? Why the unsettled feeling?

Because while I hadn't intended on going back or staying put, I don't know where my next step will be. Like walking up to a ledge and people pressing in behind me. It feels as if I'm standing on a precipice.

My body is telling me that before me is a ledge... harrowing nothingness... a giant, deadly fall. It looms before me.

My brain is trying to convince me though, that it is not in fact this, but instead a wide, open, beautiful expanse of green. Fresh air. Firm ground. Flowing breeze. Warm sun. Peace and freedom.

I am leaning forward. I can almost smell the sweet, crisp scent of the air... the rich, loamy dirt.

I just have to believe it and it will be there. As if believing it will be there is the very thing that causes it to come into existence underneath my feet.

Is this manifestation? Is this believing in myself... my own worth? Is this self-trust? Self-empowerment?

It feels right. My legs may be shaky, but it feels right...in my soul.

Onward.

Forward.

Feet relishing in the cool, clean grass.